I know what you are (or at least ThreeUp is) thinking: she's your girlfriend, of course she's not very smart! Well, touche. You may have a point but until recently I didn't know exactly how not very smart she was.
Recent events have shown me the light.
Sometime ago my mother put a house plant in my kitchen. According to her it is supposed to freshen the air or provide some positive aura or do something or other to my benefit. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention but I did allow the plant to stick around. Now this was a peculiar plant, I never watered it, never looked after it, I didn't even remember its existence. In fact, in all honesty, I think some of my friends may have even used it for a urinal during our famous "Get drunk and shoot anything that moves with paintballs off Jay's balcony" nights. Still, somehow it lived and was of no bother to me.
Fast forward to last week and all of a sudden my house had become infested with dozens of tiny little flies. Now these flies were so bad and so annoying, I was beginning to lose my mind. I would be sitting trying to grind out nudie bar money for the week and these flies would literally be attacking me. They bite, fly in front of my computer screen, try to crawl up my nose and pretty much anything you can think of. I think they cost me several thousands of dollars in tilt and misclicks. It was unbearable. I got so mad that I went on massive fly tilt also known as running around the house with clenched fists, killing anything that moved. Death totals reached the mid 20's or 30's. I don't know, I lost count. I thought I had gotten rid of them - how wrong I was.
The next morning I woke up to even more flies. I called for immediate assistance - an unscheduled maid. She showed up and I scolded her for the piss poor clean up job she had been doing and further threatened to have her deported if this fly situation wasn't remedied immediately. She gave me one of those evil eyes I'm so accustomed to seeing and threw out every single piece of fruit and anything else she could find that could have been a potentially spawned the little critters.
To no avail. In fact, if you can believe it, I think they started to get stronger and faster. I, in all honesty, considered just picking up and moving. Somewhere far far away where there were no flies or insects or any living creature within a sixty mile radius. Unfortunately my love for New York is too strong so I called the exterminator instead. Dude shows up the next day looking like death reincarnated, walks around a little bit and stops in the kitchen. He bends over next to the forgotten plant and says: "what'd you pour in here?"
"Pour?" "In there?" "I didn't even know that thing was still around."
He gives me a slight grin and then motions me over. Upon further inspection, I see a swamp, a swamp full of awfulness. You see apparently my GF, in all her genius, decided to empty the remaining contents of some green tea into the plants soil, thus creating the perfect breeding environment for these little bastards.
He explains that I have two options:
1. Take a vacation and let him spray some vile toxins around the house.
OR
2. Throw the plant out and wait out until all the insurgents die.
What I'd really like to do is throw my GF and this plant off my balcony, but sadly she isn't around so I opt for option two.
I can't even begin to describe the hell I went through and am still going through with these vicious bloodsuckers. I would like nothing more than to torch this place in its entirety with every little fly in it. Too bad my neighbors might not like that idea. So I'll have to take my anger out on the person responsible for all this...no, not me! (Yes, ThreeUp, I know I shouldn't have let her inside the house. Yes I probably should have known that she is retarded. Yes, you are right. No, it's her fault and I refuse to hear otherwise!). HER! It's her fault. I'm not really sure what I should do to her. ThreeUp suggested murder but death would be getting off light. I was thinking more in terms of a severe beating using some sort of heavy handed weapon or scattering her nude photos all over the internet? Maybe both?
I'm not sure what I'll do to her yet. Feel free to leave suggestions via the comments.
No, Threeup. I will not crush her cranium with a small hammer. I heard you get the death penalty for that sort of behavior.
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1 comment:
Those sand filled gloves that cops use might do the trick. If you're doing nude photos, you might wish to do before and after (beating) photos, and maybe post them on a dot-edu type site trying to educate peeps about the harmful effect green tea has on our environment.
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