Poker Etiquette According To Jay

Okay, so I've been meaning to do this blog for a while but have just never gotten around to it...so here goes. Some of it may look contradictory...but it's really not if you think about it.

1. Don't rathole! This is probably the single most disgusting thing you can do in a poker game. What is ratholing? It's when you buy in short at a particular limit, double up and immediately leave only to buy in short at another table of the same limit, double up and repeat the process. This isn't against any poker rule but is highly annoying and classless.

2. Don't hit n run. If you cooler someone the first hand, at least play them for a while before quitting. Nobody likes to get it in Kings vs Aces in the first 3 hands only to have their opponent quit.

3. Give ample quiting notice if you've been playing a heads up match for a while with someone you don't know or don't play frequently, especially if you're both regulars. For example, if you decide to two table some regular you don't usually play, let them know 30 minutes before you'll quit. It's common courtesy. This isn't necessary if you're playing with someone who you play daily since they know you'll be back tomorrow or the next day...but it is still nice to give a warning.

4. Don't ever talk poker strategy or make fun of how anyone played any hand at the table. Do not talk about anything related to playing hands. It doesn't matter and serves no purpose. You're only making an uncomfortable environment or improving the game play of others. Just shut up.

5. Don't make fun of recreational players just looking to have a good time. Everyone wants to be happy and have a good time when they play. They don't want to lose and feel bad afterwards. It's okay to kid around with regulars or semi regulars because they're less likely to not comeback...but in general it's just far better to keep a positive atmosphere for everyone.

6. Do not be a nosey moron. It's not polite to ask anyone how much they are up or down on the day. How much their bankroll is or anything else. It's none of your business.

7. Do not beg anyone for money. No one will give you a dollar. No one cares about you, no one cares that you need money to gamble. Maybe your mom does. Ask her for money.

8. Do not block any one's heads up tables. If you don't want to play them then leave! I don't care if they've been following you around for a week. Either post your blind or leave. Tables do not belong to you just because you were the first one to sit, tables belong to the person who's ready to play.

9. If you're going to bumhunt and only play the most terrible players, respect the guys who 1. play anyone 2. are willing to sit and play tough opponents to get a game going. Do not have more heads up tables open than them. Understand that they do not have to and probably don't respect you. You are a parasite who doesn't do anything to help games, you only hurt them and profit. You do not get first dibs on fish, you get last.

10. If you see a regular siting by themselves and a fish happens to join, do not run like a vulture if you're there only to play the fish. The guy sitting for 2 hours trying to start a game might be annoyed.

11. If 2 people are playing heads up at a non heads up table and have been for a while, do not interrupt their game if they ask you not to!

12. If the fish quits, do not instaquit the game. At least play 2 or 3 orbits before sitting out...maybe another will join. This goes double if you happened to stack the fish.

13. Do not ever complain about running bad if you are beating someone. If you're up several buyins, you cannot be running all that bad. Plus no one cares anyway. Stop whining.

14. If you see someone losing a lot of money, do not sit in the game and tell them to stop playing. Every time I see this, I want to punch this Mother Theresa wannabe in the face. No one needs your advice.

15. If someone sits down at your table and he game is heads up and you both post blinds, but you don't want to play at this time and win their BB...if they ask for their blind back, return it. If this person was only there to hit and run you or buy short to double up and leave, feel free to steal and sit out.

16. It is acceptable to demand a full buy in (at least 100bb at deep tables) at any time. It is acceptable to quit a game at any time if your opponent refuses to rebuy to the max amount. Offering your opponent the chance to play at lower stakes is highly appreciated. For example, if you've been playing 25-50 and your opponent has 1500 left and refuses to rebuy, it is acceptable to offer them a game at 5-10 instead.

17. Never ever apologise for sucking out. Who cares? I'd like to suck out every time I get it in behind. I'd be very happy about it.

18. Never ever say "Nice Hand" if you win the pot. Who are you saying nice hand to? Yourself?

19. Never make challenges you don't intend to keep. If you challenge someone to heads up, don't back down.

20. If you play 1-2, don't pretend you can beat 10-20 because you "think" a fish is playing. It's like me saying, I can go beat the 500-1000 game because one of the players seems weaker than the rest...when I couldn't possibly have the slighest idea because I've never played 500-1000 with aforementioned player. Don't mouth off, you just look stupid commenting from the rail.

21. Making fun of idiots who break these etiquette rules is not only acceptable, it is encouraged...unless they are really bad and going to quit the game. Basically the rule is, if the guy won't quit the game, you can make fun of him all you want if there's reason to do so. For example, he is a jerk, he is making fun of bad recreational players, being the table coach, ratholing, etc.

Rules of Engagement:

1. Always give someone a second chance. Never give them a third.

2. If someone is nice, be nice. And vice versa.

3. It is acceptable to needle someone in a friendly, and not an offensive, demeaning or hostile way if you think it will tilt them or keep them playing longer or whatnot. However, it is probably unwise and you're better off not doing it because they may just leave or not rebuy after losing. Usually this only works on competitive people or anyone with something to prove, not those just looking to relax and have a good time. Each situation is different - use your own judgement but it's better to just not say anything.


4. If someones sole intent is to be the biggest jerk possible, then nothing is off limits. People who are jerks don't understand anything but other jerks. Feel free to say the most harshest things imaginable to them without a shred of remorse.

Examples:

If a guy's sole intent is to join every single one of your heads up tables to steal your blind and leave because he knows it annoys you and has absolutely no intention of playing, then wishing him death in the most gruesome way possible is perfectly acceptable.

If someone wins 4 coin flips in a row on you, it is not acceptable to hope their family dies in a catastrophe. You get the point.

Remember, everyone has bad days once in a while but for the most part you get what you give.

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Obviously at some point all of us have broken some of these etiquette guidelines but I hope that most try to adhere to them whenever possible....except for depeche...who's a complete fcuking moron...but that's a blog for a different time.

There's probably a bunch of stuff I forgot, but this blog is already too long anyway.

Daily blogging...if this keeps going...I'll be out of material for when we get a real site.

Don't be bad etiquette donks!

Jay

P.s. One day I'll write up an instructional guide on how to completely aggravate people at the table...because if there's one thing I'm good at - it's pissing people off!