lil donkaments

First off wtf is lil? I can't come up with something it stands for so I'm guessing it's more leetspeak that can get destroyed by the masses. (Sup Jay) Also pwn is still pronunced own jackasses, Everytime I hear some bitch say powned I want to slap them. That said I felt lil is approriate when addressing tournaments because I fcuking hate them as well. So what did I do today? Well a nice relaxing days away from grinding on the tables because I think I'll boot up some tournies for the day.

So Let's Breakdown How Bad I Suck:

PokerStars:

10+1 PLO - WTF?? Why did I join this? The prizepool is barely over a grand so I decide I'd rather stare @ my genitials for a bit instead. Instadonkdown.

50+5 NLHE - Started off pretty standard not doing much playing a little LAG early on but not getting involved still. Fast forward a little bit I c/r all-in with an OESD he calls with an overpair which was also 2 of my outs. I spike, he gets pissed, bad play is rewarded again, I buckle down. Fast forward a little more I start playing very well and getting involved in tons of pots. I'm constantly flipping shortstacks getting insane pot odds and winnings more then I'm losing while never putting a significant portion of my stack in jeopardy. I'm stealing left and right and flipping a lot and gaining a lot of chips without making any big hands. We're approaching the money and I'm about 30ish of 110 (90 pay). We make the money, I make a few hands and get near the chip lead continuing to do the same thing. Pow! We had started with 798 and now we're down to 9. As much as I hate tournies I do final table them like it's my job!?! A lot of swings prior to coming I had lost a couple hands and am now in 5th going into the final table.

People are getting KOd much slower then I would like as I was hoping to move up a couple spots before I was forced to gamble. Life's tough I still raise dueces UTG 8 handed after folding for a couple rounds. Yeah, I'm that donktastic and still better then you. Shortstack has AQ and just calls flop KJx so I push because that's an A+ flop for dueces. He calls and hits I am again crippled by two overs and a gutshot as it is the reason I am in 5th instead of 1st. Lots of up and downs people are dropping surprisngly slow based on how much action had gone on in the first round @ the final table. I make some hands but more importantly am playing excellent. Go through a stretch were I'm stealing a lot only to lose them in the races. Shit evens out and I get a big chiplead. I only expand on it until we get 3 handed. I raise A6o on the button and the SB who has shown some streaks of aggressiveness but has been largely passive pushes all-in. I don't remember the exact #s but had decided it was insanely marginal either way and made the fold. Couple rounds later I again make the same raise with 78s and he pushes in again. He pushed in with strength and based on my willingness to call I should have again laid this down but instead I called like a jackass. I regret this play almost as much as my OESD from earlier. He shows 88 I flop the OESD but come up short and he's back in it. We end up getting HU and he has about a 5:3 chip lead but I feel confident. Blinds 10k/20k he raises to 80k and I have A2s. I make it 160k. This was a mistake. I thought he had made it 60k and debated just pushing but decided I was just a tad bit too deep to make that play. Had I seen it was 80k I would have pushed. He toiled and called. Flop came AQQ and I checked since I'm obviously commited to this hand and if he has me I figure it's with a weak Ace so the odds are we're chopping up anyways and hopefully if he has a small pair he'll stab @ it anyways. In hindsight, I could have probably got Ax off by leading out and had considered it but had hoped to get a small pair to bet a few more chips because I'm a jackass. He bets and I push though his bet basically set me in anyways. He rolls A6 turn and river are 2 and 3 respectively and I lose 4k to a 6 kicker. Those are the 3 hands I regret how I played and have nothing to do with the results. For my lackluster performance I get to add another $5,413 to the coffers @ the cost of hating myself the rest of the day.

50+5R NLHE - I hate rebuys as accordingly they are much more expensive then the base price and for whatever reason I've never liked that. I also just don't have a good grasp of the strategy & can't afford to try to learn the start open pushing early on to get a lot of chips in play @ your table strategy that a lot of the really good players use. Being as these same players make the rebuys some of the toughest regular fields on the net from what I've heard (specifically the 100Rs) there's obviously something to it. That said all the extra chips in play do add a lot more play after the rebuy period ends which I am in favor of.

I started off rebuying so I started with 3000 and then did much of nothing for some time. Eventually I made a couple of sizable bluffs which I was almost positive would work and with really no risk since I could rebuy and caught a couple hands right before break putting me to a little above 7000 chips and then adding-on for 2 more. This had me in pretty good chip position and I was quite happy especially since my table had no one open shoving from the start and was infact pretty nitty. I had opened up Annette_15s table @ the beginning since she's apparently been tearing it up to see how she plays and 3 people were all-in the first hand and a lot of chips got into play. I was about 40th of 200ish players left @ the break so all things considered I was loving my position.

Almost immediately after the break however I got AA in the SB and UTG+1 made a raise and got a caller followed by an all-in from a shortstack. I pushed in to isolate and was against 77 for about a 7k-8k pot if memory serves me correctly but he spiked on a 7 on the river. This did not leave me in such a great position with only about 6k left but I certainly was not out of it but a hand or two later I picked up 44 and called a raise in position. I flopped midset on a flushdraw board and I got check minraised by the PFR. I figured I might scare him away by pushing and decided to get it on the turn regardless of what came off and he would surely lead any turn though he could have a decent range it certainly wasn't air. Turn came a K which didn't complete the flush and he lead out I moved in he called and rolled KK. GG me. Played fantastic and went donkdown early. Tournies are cruel.

100+9 PLO8 - I honestly have no business in this game. I suck @ PLO8 and I especially suck @ PLO8 tournies. Long story short PBDrunks made a big rebluff @ me which I couldn't call. I then got myself stuck in a bad situation with a shitty hand I couldn't fold. PBDrunks owns me. Respect to his game. I'm donkdown almost instantly. I need to stop playing these.

30+3 HORSE - Not going to cover a lot since it was a 30 dollar 48 player tournament and I play SnGs with more excitement then this but basically I started off playing a little sloppy but then thanks to mistakes of opponents and some super thin value bets which make me the HORSE stud I am I got the chip lead with aroud 12 remaining (6 paid). In Stud8 I picked up rolled up dueces. Played a massive pot and got smacked by a river flush the didn't go away when he should have and missed value when he made it. This crippled me. We got to hold`em and I made a set of 7s against a set of 8s. GG me not to interesting but shitty hands to go out on.

Full Tilt:

150+13 NLHE 28k Gauranteed - I make another massive donkey call with 6s on a low flop against Js pretty early on. I river a 6 and get chips I don't deserve. That's what tourney poker is all about. I then play well as I choose good spots to steal and make some hands when I need them and get in good shape. I played one interesting hand which I think was bad but I'm not sure how bad exactly. On the bubble (outlast one person make the money) The button who had been kind of nitty with a 20k stack made it 4k with 500/1k blinds and a 125 ante. The was like the 3rd or 4th smallest stack. The 4k raise made me suspicious because it was much bigger then the rest of the bets that had been made. I had about 30k which was enough to lose 20k and still make the money so I pushed over the top with Q5o. He instacalled with AJo which surprised me. Granted AJ is @ the top of his range so I expect a call from it the speed with which he called (I viewed him as a pretty big nit) surprised me. I lost and monied but couldn't make anything happen and went out shortly after. $200.70 woo-hoo. I found the hand interesting and am going to run ICM and PokerStove later on to figure out exactly how bad it was (if it was) since it's been a long time since I did any study into tournament hands.

24+2 PLHE 3k Gauranteed - I have no idea why I played this either. I think I just wanted another table open. I have no idea what happened in it other then it was uninteresting and I went out early.


Now with the recap of the day out of the way let me get back to why I hate tournaments so much aside from the fact it's barely even poker and the skill involved is much less (which explains why I do so good in them). The real reason is I always feel like shit. I go in with the mentality that I'm going to win when I sit down so when I win it's like a job well done but 2nd-Last is always a big bummer and I toil on hands played much longer then I do over hands in ring. I've also become really sloppy in the beginning of tournaments and outside the Sunday HORSEs rarely seem to buckle down until the mid stages. Until next time I have something to bitch about....later.

FTP Gives Away Money But It Does Me No Good

Full Tilt Poker > Requests > Check My Bonus Offers

I got $500 and I've already chunked off $1500 while clearing it. Impressed? I don't know how to combine my PokerTracker and PTOmaha database on PokerGrapher so I couldn't do true justice with a graph but suffice to say last week was up 9k in ring games followed by a sharp down 8500. I'm SFGood. That was all playing no higher then 2/4 so that's a minimum of 22.5 buy-ins up (that's a bankroll @ these stakes) and then over 21 buy-ins down. That's swingy =]

It's St. Patricks Day and rather then drink all day I decided I'd rather sit and home and chunk off more money until I'm even. Greenbacks > Green Beer.

The good news is I finally got my ePassporte debit card working so now I can cashout normally again. Of course as far as getting good and moving up is concerned that's probably a bad thing. Either way I'll probably have more non-poker bitching up soon.

All good things must come to an end.

Some douchebag once said that all good things must come to an end. I hate to give any d-bag credit but in this case the random proverb guy, that obviously never experienced the warmth of a womans wizard sleeve, is 100% correct. I played two glorious months of tilt free poker and I just got bullied and beat up on Lee Jones' playground. I felt like a pedophile trying to quell his urge for 12 year old brunettes. I kept telling myself "brah, do not tilt...." Turns out I was drawing dead.
A string of two out beats with my AA and KK and I was bleeding chips .FCuck it lets see how overdrive tilt treats the roll. Oh my opponent re-pops a gut shot draw to the understraight. I'm all in. Wow there is his card. Well played sir and another overpair busted. It seems like pokerstars got wind of my attempt to achieve the highest level of the VIP program(supernova elite) No way Lee is going to allow me to earn free all expense paid trips to big buy in tournaments and the elusive Porsche Cayman.
" But how I am going to get laid Lee, I need the sick whip and the gold-digging biddies will flock"
I guess I am just going to have to settle for Pokerstars Branded sandals and the special edition Chris Moneymaker poker sunglases. I mean I heard they are impenetrable to the stare of "Jesus" Ferguson and I should be able to pull off some shit that would scare David Blaine on the felt.
I guess I just have to look on the bright-side and implement my last resort plan to marry into the Jones family.
Forgive me for this sorry excuse for a post but I just chunked off what would've been 3 months of minimum wage earnings in a few hours.
If I don't say it someone else will.
"NICE FCUKING TILT SIR"
:rodetooDEATH

ReflectionDotcom

It's been a few weeks since my first and only post and I want to take this opportunity to reflect on my experiences in poker within the past few months.

First off I was fortunate enough to lucksack a win in one of the last $175 double shootouts satelites to the PokerStars Carribean Adventure (PCA). The entire experience was great. An 8k buy in WPT tourney,a world class resort, and the allure of getting drunker than a pledge at an alpha beta keg party. Anyway, I elected to play on day 1b as I wanted to get FCUKed up the first few days and check out the resort scene. My first full day in the Bahamas was interesting as I started drinking at 10AM and blacked out somewhere between 4-6pm. What I can remember in between was great. Riding highspeed waterslides with a blood alcohol content of .18 is obviously a great idea and a lot of fun. Apparently I pissed in public in broad daylight and probably was a 3:2 dog on getting banned from the entire resort but drew a miracle card on the river to avoid any trouble. The next day I awoke at 6am and it was my turn to play. I ventured into the enormous ballroom and it was a beautiful site. 500 degenerates just like myself geared up and ready to shoot off chips. Suprisingly I didn't feel nervous at all even though this was my first major live tourney and first World Poker Tour event. I just wanted to play solid poker and bust getting my money in good so I could get back to drinking and urinating in public. I was lucky enough to survive through day 1 and it took a two outer within the first 20 hands of the tournament for that to happen. Here's how it went down:

I had KK in the cutoff and opened standard. Villian 3bets button, had already 3 bet me once... he seemed like a true douchebag. The big blind was posting dead(player yet to arrive) so this was conducive to me raising and him 3 betting light in a resteal attempt. I decided to 4bet the kk like a retard. He called.

Flop came: T 3 3 two diamonds

I lead 3/4 pot, which put about 1/4 of my 20k chips in the pot at that time.
Villian douche moves all in for the full 20k. This was a huge overbet
I thought for about 30 seconds, was 75% going to fold, and said Fcuk it and called anyway. Obviously he showed two black aces.

Then boom! Turn comes king and ship it one time! I double up.

Although my first instinct was to fold I talked to numerous online pros(Guacho,Green Plastic) and many others and all said they wouldn't have folded.

I finished day 1 with 33k in chips and was up to about 55k at one point. Nothing exciting happened on my second day other than a few moves put on wsop main event final table participant Rhett Butler and the worst wsop bracelet winner in history Ted Lawson. I was extremely card dead on day 2 and busted in level 4, about 60 places out of the money. Overall definitely a good tournament experience.

After the 12 hour trip home I decided to take a more serious approach to poker and it has worked out well for me. I decided to switch to nl cash games and I have been doing very well at the 5/10 level. You'd be suprised at what a pokerstars avatar meant for homosexual males will do for your image. I credit all my recent to success to crafty image manipulation. You'd be surprised how much profit can be made convincing your opponents you're playing a lot looser than you really are. I have been meaning to incorporate the bigger buy in tournaments into my playing schedule as well but don't see that happening anytime soon. After all, not everyone can spike the sunday h.o.r.s.e. on a monthly basis (Sup ThreeUp). I also plan on making my way into nl hu cash games in the near future as that is where the most money can be made. Until then I will continue to move chips in 5/10nl 6 max cash games and write these blog posts for all the Team FCUK Groupies.


:ridetillyoudie

HU NLHE

I'm soooo bad @ this it's sick and the variance is nuts. I've decided this and PLO is where the money is at. I chunked off a ton too a huge donk after beating up 2/4 for 2k earlier I chunked it all off this evening to someone who played so bad I should have made some laydowns very easily instead of stacking off. Yeah, I stacked off twice knowing I was beat. I'm horrible but I'll get good @ it. Eventually I'll discover I'm forced to go with my reads and do very well in this.

I tilted a bit @ the end and leveled myself getting the excuses to call - it was tilt. Momentum is so huge it's amazing, though detatching from the game means you can gain a huge edge over your opponent when you don't let the swings effect you. It's no wonder there's so much fast money to be made in HU.

I'm also trying to loosen up in 6max and play very LAG. Filthy PT has all sorts of errors when importing my HU play for whatever reason and I lost all the hand histories including the 6max I was playing @ the same time. I'm a horrible horrible donk and now hate myself for that last session I played since I underperformed so largely in HU despite only lossing 350 for the overall sesison. Almost up 2 dimes for the day though so that's something. Once I get good I'll change over from bitching about things people already know to just bragging about what a balla I am. Until then, have a good one.

Kinda Hot Right Now

I did it again. I bent over the Sunday HORSE on FTP and made it my bitch. $6540 not bad for a few hours work. Final table had Ari (who I dislike for calling down with Q high in Razz a long time ago and being good) and Micon (who I dislike for personal reasons) at it but neither did much. BadgerDawg however took a 100k pot off me (with 300k in play in the entire tourney) by calling down with 5s in Stud8 which were obviously good to scoop. I don't know why I try to run plays like that since no one ever folds and they look like geniuses. Oh well. I ran well this time as oppossed to playing excellent like last time so I'm not complaining. More angry at myself then anything. I need to improve my game in the late-middle stages for LHE as it's clearly the one part where I don't have a large edge. I'm looking to improve that so I may continue tearing this up. I'm definitely thinking I need to make a point of playing the Stars and FTP HORSE every week but it probably won't happen.

In other news Bugsy's Club changed the 50+5 10k gaurantee Sunday freezeout to a 10k gauranteed 20+2 rebuy tourney so I'll no longer be playing there. I'm not a fan of rebuys and absolutely adored the 10k freezeout structure. It's a shame and hopefully they'll change it back soon.

Also I still crush silly @ low stakes PLO. I'm running very well in 1/2 and 2/4 though the sample size is still small. Can't wait to get in enough hands or enough knowledge to figure out what's truely sustainable but I'm positive it will be much more profitable then Hold`em despite not being able to see as many hands an hour. Also a lot more fun and less like work as I still am learning a lot about the game where as HE as felt like a grind for a long time.

Unpoker-related quips: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has been put on hiatus by NBC which is a shame since it was the best show currently on TV. It's replacement The Black Donnelly's had a very good pilot and I hope both shows continue for many more seasons to come.

The Shield returned April 3rd. Best show ever.

I bowled well over average today but I still hate bowling. Have a good one.

The Alice Experiment

When i first began playing online poker, we had to use Morse code and ham radios, if you thought server crashes that left you with disconnect protect were bad, you would in no way be prepared for Russian spies during the cold war especially if you flopped a set... However, this is not my point, nor does this opening statement have anything to do with what i'm going to blog about. Early on I played primarily on Pacific poker and Party Poker, i was a newbie and a losing player, So i stayed playing the beatable live cash games in my local area, until i became proficient at poker. I did however, swear off online poker and never played again until my girlfriend had found poker.com at the time they had a 200.00 freeroll a 500.00 freeroll and a 3,000 freeroll, average entrants into each of these tourneys were about 90-200, this occurred daily... At the time you could register for the 200.00 tourney, never even play a hand, and usually win at least .75cents. On my first attempt i took 9th and on my second i took first. I then made quite a bit playing cash games and had multiple final table appearances in the 3k and the 500 freeroll. I had an online bankroll, but no bankroll management skillz. Playing cash games locally i'd always just play with what i had, and spend what I won, I co-owned a bar/pub that i also bar tended at, the bar always lost money, but i at least had tips to play with. I was used to winning every time i played, and so when i built up my online bankroll from zero to 1,200.00 I withdrew and spent it. Shortly after all of that things financially took a turn for the worst, i got out of the bar business, I also didnt work, I lived above a transmission shop so i wouldnt have to pay rent. The only income i had was from live games and i'd have to be bankrolled for those, most the big games had dried up or at least no one would tell me where they were, so i was forced to play in the small stakes games where at tops there would be $400.00 on the table... Which was a far cry from the usual $8,000. Also i had to split half of what i'd win with the guy bankrolling me. I was living off of poker, but i wasnt living well.

"GET A FREE $50.00 To Play at Party Poker" - I saw the ad, i became intrigued, but unfortunately as i looked up the details i realised because of my preexisting party account i was not eligible for this offer... But my girlfriend was! I signed her up, and gave her the Name Alice*
I then stole an internet connection and would borrow the business line from the shop downstairs whenever i could to log-on and play.

*there was more to the name but i'd like to keep some anonymity. I know longer use the Account, but I'd prefer to not receive a backlash from anyone i had played*

$50.00 of my own money to play poker with, a second chance, and now more skilled then ever, and more determined, i was going to pull myself out of the hole.

I INSTANTLY noticed that everyone treated the Alice character different, Men respected more of my raises, however i could slowplay more, Women fealt a "Girl power" connection with Alice and would play softly against her if they fealt as though they were a team-mate against any boy players, i could get them to check down any hand i was behind in... and when i caught on the river and beat them, they'd say "Nice hand, good for you, YAY TEAM!!!"
My BB/100 ratio was higher than it had ever been, i was beginning to understand manipulating opponents is Positive EV, there seemed to be more to poker than just playing better.
I decided To take it to the Next level and tried to manipulate as many people as i could on every table i played.

I quickly learned i could tilt guys by being as offensive to them as possible, No guy likes being dissed by a girl, or beaten by a girl... Against an Opponent i hadn't played against before i often would take the worst of it a few times hoping to suck out, then i'd gloat, then they'd spew out poker math to me, Then I'd vividly explain to them everything i wanted to do with their mother, most of a sexual nature. They'd call alice a lesbian, i'd call them some homosexually slanderous name. (I have gay and lesbian friends, so i knew all the names that really set off straight folk) I did Whatever I could to fuel the fire, I set no boundaries or standards of etiquette for myself, it was as important to my game as pot odds, expected value and as much a tool as the check raise or the freecard raise. Most people tilted few would leave, and those that left i'd follow to other tables, and explain to their peers how they were afraid of me. They wanted to beat me, they wanted to nail me on that big pot so badly they didnt care how much they had to spend... they were going to teach me a lesson.

After rebuilding a decent bankroll, i moved money back to poker.com under VoxGibson and began to pay my bills and feed myself and my girlfriend and my cats and my dog and my fish and my rabbit by playing poker.

This was also a very liberating experience from the confounds of being VoxGibson, thats who am in all poker games. I am polite, I am a nice guy, but I do occasionally deliver razor sharp quips, subtle insults a wisp of condescension and have little patience when it comes to morons, I dont usually berate players for their poor play, i usually compliment them on a nice catch.

I am not suggesting all male players create a female alter-ego to go and make bank on any poker table. I'm just using the experiment and example to give you an opportunity to examine how much of your personality costs you money at the poker table, what could you do differently to get that extra BB/per 100.

For women, i suggest you avoid the feelings of girl power, and dont forget everyone is your opponent not just the boys.. Also learn to be more aggressive, not just in your poker play, but verbally and your whole persona at the table...


I hate the saying, "you're stepping over dollars to pick up nickles"
I pick up both

-VG

The Vegas House? THE Vegas House!

So the other day my boy Bullitpete hits me up on MSN to show me The Vegas House he bought with all the money he's won from me over the years. And just to rub it in, the guy invites me over for a home game during the WSOP?! Can you believe it?

Well, he's got another thing coming because not only will I be over for a home game, but considering I've probably paid for 30% (Have I EVER won a coinflip against this guy?) of the place, I'll be staying over and throwing wild parties complete with dancers from The Rhino.

So if you're a cute girl who wants an autograph, check out the Photo Gallery for pictures and an address of where you can find us.

And for all you angry poker players who pete's given bad beats to regularly, don't even think about it. I heard the man keeps a handgun collection on standby at all times.

WSOP '07 Holla.

Burnout

I'm on full blown Hold`em burnout with the release of Full Tilt Poker Beta with super sexy resizable tables I've obviously dedicated myself to 12 tabling 6max NLHE and logging more hours then ever. Despite issues with my client crashing for me (before Beta, so far it's seemed as stable to me) it's excellent but the constant crashing I'm suffering from has cost me @ least $500 a day.

In order to deal with the burnout I naturally started going out more; hanging out with friends, meeting new people, enjoying the fresh air. Well I've been doing that or spending the time I'm not grinding my ass off by jumping back into Stud8 and attempting to teach myself PLO. PLO is like crack and I've been tearing up the low limits and enjoying the hell out of it since I get to play a very Super/System style. This evening I played like absolute shit outside of the HU tables which I beat up on but I ran well and managed to suck out in a couple big pots to end up on the day.

I haven't slept in like 2 days so after I get some rest I'll update some more interesting content.

Play for the set but call the all in. Genius!

So you're in the big blind with any two and it's limped 5 ways, you reraise all in (assume stack size/blinds proportionate) only to get called by a UTG Limper (who you have covered), his 44 holds up vs your JTs. We've all had this happen in low-mid limit, retard infested MTT's, just don't come crying to me about it.

Recently, someone who asked for some MTT help was annoyed about the above scenario. Or that I was advocating not open completing from the SB, or other standard stuff that even below average players would never do. In fact, it spawned an entire discussion.

Apparently, the aforementioned person had been having more success playing wild wacky, let's all take a flop and see who has the best hand poker. That's actually a good way to play if you're being hit in the face with the deck but for the 99.5% of the time when that won't happen, you're f c u k e d.

But daddy daddy, raising only puts me to tougher decisions. No, genius. Raising makes your decisions far more easier. It enables you to gain valuable information, nullifies difficult flops due to chip commitment, and applies pressure on the other guy.

But I saw Phil Ivey open limp/open complete/some other wacky scenario on TV. Yeah? Me too. Phil Ivey also puts the fourth raise in with Q high on flops that miss him by six miles...and it's good. When you can read players and play flops like Ivey, you can do whatever you'd like, but for now, it's probably a good idea to avoid tough decisions. If you can't play 8's on the flop heads up in a raised pot oop, how are you going to play them in a multiway pot where anyone can have any 2? Not to mention you're also defining the strength of your hand unless you're willing to (and I know you're not) limp aces and kings some of the time. Playing solely for the set is a losing move. Not only do you need to read boards to pick off hands worse than yours, you must also get better hands to laydown by repping the set when you miss it some of the time.

Doyle says: going broke in a limped pot is for retards. Threeup and I agree.

(An interesting sidenote: I had this discussion with Barry Greenstien once and he basically seemed to concur with what I've written above though appeared more lenient to the open limp but against weak opposition whereas I'd consider it more effective against stronger opponents where keeping them off balance is key. Nevertheless, rumor is that he's broke now, so going with Doyle's advice is probably the better option.)

But Jay, look at this person. He does this and that and keeps winning. Look, if you take a room full of retards, sit them all at a table, give them a deck of cards and force them to play an MTT, one of them is bound to win it, right? You put these people in front of me and I will bust them all, eventually. It's not because I am so good at poker, that's far from it, and if you've followed this blog you know I am not good at all. It's simply because they are so ridiculously bad, that Threeup can train a malnutritioned chimp to play at a far higher level than they could ever hope to achieve.

It's easily possible to make $200K/yr playing 200NL fulltime but some "winning" players only make a third of that. Why? Because they're awful.

You can suck and still be a winning player. Trust me, I know first hand.

Freerolls = Ipod. Ipod = winner. Holla.

So I recently recieved an Ipod for finishing in the top ten of last season's blogger poker tour on Poker.com.



I was originally planning to give it away to my cousin or someone but then I saw that it was the really tiny nano version.



So I decided to keep it.

Of course I had to test it out in a live game. So much for taking a break from poker?

Results below:



=)

Of course, Team FCUK was represented:

No Poker. Just movies.

Things haven't been going well in my personal life during the last week... and while I won't get into the exact details, it has been having a severe affect on my poker. My head is just not in it and once again I shot off because of a lack of concentration.

I've decided to take a break and thus had a chance to catch up on some movies:

Freddy got fingered - A must watch for Tom Green fans but far from excellent. I'm a fan of Tom Greens earlier work and not so much his latter stuff which unfortunately this movie happened to have a lot of. It definitely started off slow and I was almost forcing myself to keep watching for the first twenty minutes but it does pick up afterwards and has some genuinely funny lines/scenes. Rip Torn's character was without a doubt the funniest thing about the movie and Torn plays the character very well. Overall, it's in no way a comedic masterpiece but for fans of Tom Green or alternative comedy it's worth watching once. Everyone else feel free to skip it.

Fantastic 4 - What a piece of crap. This movie is not watchable, not even for fans of the comic/cartoon. No, make that especially for fans of the comic/cartoon. The acting is poor, only the dude who plays the human torch did a decent job. Everyone else involved in this movie should leave it off their acting resume. Mr Fantastic and The Thing are not likeable at all. The plot is stupid. Basically the only redeeming thing about this movie was that The Invisible girl was attractive. Watching paint dry would be more entertaining than this movie. Not even worth a rental.

Hard Candy - By far the most entertaining movie out of the three listed here and I'm not even sure if I liked it. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a thriller or a drama or what but for a thriller it definitely had too many predictable parts. That's not to say that there weren't any surprising twists and turns at all, but they were fewer than I would have liked. The writing was far from perfect, with some scenes that were unrealistic and a disappointing ending. The acting, however, was relatively good for the most part and that alone makes it worth watching. If you plan to see this flick, be prepared for some uncomfortable scenes.

BOOM HEADSHOT

So after months of nagging from my good friend Uncle Jay and an unofficial blog banning I am finally here to introduce myself.

My name is Phreezenet and I have a gambling problem.

Yes, you read correctly. I sit at home exchanging insane amounts of $$$ with a slew of random degenerate gamblers in a game of skill(?) that is known as poker. Oh you've played that game before? I'm going to throw out a wild guess and just assume that you know as much about poker as I do about women. What? You think I have time to coattail the opposite sex when I can fire up the PokerStars.net software and shoot off to the latest Raven Riley romping while I play with world champions at the same time? NiceHand PHREEZENET. Well played.
Now back to what I was saying. You don't know poker unless you are a member of the elite few that sit at home mindlessly tilting away thousands of dollars playing online while simultaneously leveling your WoW character. LEEEEEEEEEEROYYYYYY JENKINS. If by chance you fall into any of the categories mentioned above please consider suicide for society's benefit. I know I have.

So why do I play poker? I play poker for money and I fcuking hate it, both the poker and the money. But mostly the money...and I love that! I lose and I break things and immediately feel great about myself. Or on the off chance that I do win I go to sleep that night and dream about waking up in the morning to immediately boot up and tilt away todays profit.

Hating money does have its advantages. I can now proudly walk up to a group of my college friends and boast "Hey I was up 30k this month and ended even, how are those 28k a yeak job offers coming along?"
Now please don't succumb to all of this banter and actually believe that I make $$$ donkeying around in online poker, it's all rigged and I'm just luckboxing it until Lee decides to throw the killswitch. But even with that, Poker has brought upon some positive experiences in the past 6 months - a 6 figure winner to date and a lucksack satelite into the WPT PCA in the Bahamas. But I'll have to get back to you with the month late PCA post at another time, I'm tired and Friday means a new bangbros video has been posted.

:RideTillyouDie

It just snowed in New York.

So I guess that means it's time for an update.

It's 5am, still dark, and as I'm looking through my window at the city covered in light snow two things come to mind: I love New York and I can't wait to go drifting tomorrow.

It's funny, I don't like the extremely humid New York summers or the really cold New York winters but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world. I guess you can say I'm a New Yorker at my very core. With that said, I've been informed of an interesting business opportunity that would see me moving to Canada for a minimum period of six months so I'm sitting here and debating.

Will I be able to tolerate Canada for six months? What if it's longer? And more importantly, will Canada be able to tolerate me?

Meanwhile Threeup suggested that we throw down half a mill for a mansion in South Carolina. Live like kings and throw wild parties with topless coeds in pools of Crystal. Yeah, settle down there P Diddy.

But on to important things like...Valentines Day. To no one's surprise I don't have a valentine (See post below entitled "Why my girlfriend isn't very smart). I did however receive a congratulatory phone call. It came around 12:05am. My friend John decided it would be a good idea to call me up and wish me a "happy Valentine's" all while he was laying in bed with his Girlfriend.

I hate my friends, I really do, but I have to admit it was pretty funny (and disturbing at the same time).

But enough about all that, this is a poker blog right? Poker has been at a stand still. It was pretty much break even until I went on a mini rush for a few sessions and of course forced myself to play everyday. If you're thinking to yourself something along the lines of "well that can't be good" or "you're an f'in idiot" you'd be right. I played more tables than I could handle when not at peak and as a result played extremely poorly for the last couple of days. Add in that I wasn't running well and that's a recipe for disaster:

Yep, I broke even. Fantastic. I hate myself.

See, this is what happens when you have no real cashout method. Instead of forcing myself to donate all profit, I could have cashed out and bought a Rolex.

Speaking of Rolex, Threeup has been talking about buying a USED one for quite some time now. Who the hell buys used watches?! Okay, "pre-owned", whatever. But seriously, the idea grosses me out. If you've ever bought a used watch, please reply in the comment section.

Why I'm smarter than you

This is a post going out to all my friends, and some other random people I don't know, who currently have tens of thousands of dollars stuck in NETELLER and won't be seeing them for quite some time - if ever!

You guys are idiots.

This is exactly why I have never kept money in NETELLER for an extended period of time. Ever. No, I don't have psychic powers or a crystal ball next to my naked girly desk pen, I have common sense. There is no denying that NETELLER was the most preferred, convenient and safest money transferring option but to be totally oblivious to the fact that they can abruptly exit the US market or suffer a worse fate would be downright naive - especially after what happened with Firepay!

To the people who cashed out a few days before they went down and have accidentally had their money frozen, you have my sympathy. To those who kept their funds in NETELLER, you were almost asking for it. Something like this is exactly the reason why I choose to keep most of my money on reputable poker sites rather than sitting in some E-Wallet. The benefit to this far outweighs the inconvenience of having to spend a little more time transferring money from one place to another and then to another rather than just buying chips directly. For example, if need be, I can at anytime (and have before I even knew what NETELLER was) request a check or EFT to my local bank and expect it by weeks end at most.

Now some people may say, why don't you just keep the money in your bank account and then buy chips when you need to? Well, I have a simple rule for that: any money that gets taken off line, never gets put back up. It's something that has been working for me since 2003. If the money leaves my online bankroll, it never goes back in and is usually spent on things I don't remember buying or daily trips to the nudie bar.

So what does all this mean? Should you just keep a bunch of money in random poker sites? No! Quite the opposite! There are very few sites that I trust enough to keep more than 10 buyins for whatever limit I'm playing. In fact, there are only two. In actuality, I either distrust or dislike the majority of poker places and am forced to play/keep money on there only because their players are worse than VoxGibson.

The two sites I have 100% faith in are: Poker.com & PokerStars. To my experience over the years, these two sites have led the way in honesty, integrity and security in the poker world and I trust them enough to hold my money no matter the amount.

Poker.com is a newish but very solid poker room. The dedication management shows to their players is second to none.

PokerStars has flat out the best tournaments and customer support in the business. And it's not even close. They also offer the quickest and easiest player to player transfer option, making them that much better.

I strongly urge all Poker players, professional or not, to open and maintain accounts with both of these sites.







So what about E-wallets and how do we get our money offline? Well, it doesn't look good.

So far I've been dealing with ePassporte and am very unimpressed with them. Briefly, they suck. They lack many of the convenient options that made NETELLER so great. The same can be said for Ecocard. The reason why everyone loved NETELLER was A) because it was accepted by just about everyone and B) support was easily contacted through various methods. Both ePassporte and Ecocard have proven to lack in these areas.

I'll be looking into a few other online processors such as MyATM and eWalletXpress but don't expect them to be much better than ePassporte. Here's to hoping that YouTeller comes along and saves the day for online poker.

Also, we'll have complete reviews of ePassporte and Ecocard posted within a few days or as soon as Threeup finishes writing them. I know he was supposed to have them up earlier but he just won the big HORSE tournament (Nice going bro!) on FTP last Sunday so he gets a get out of jail free card.

Finally closed one out

So yeah, I fucked up Sunday. While Jay blew me up on the phone (God knows why since I only answer for business) I was enjoying myXanax induced sleep. For those who haven't taken it it's pretty decent and produces some of the most peaceful sleep ever. No wonder they use it to keep people from offing themselves. I awoke @ 2:54 with 6 minutes to spare to register for the Poker.com Winter Championship Event and win myself an Aussie Millions seat for next year. Unfortunately as I'm moving my mouse over to register it blackens out because they close registration @ 2:55 and don't let you register for an event that big the night before. I'm a jackass.

I continued on by playing the Bugsy's Club 10k Gaurantee. It's a 50+5 that usually gets about 2500 in overlay and has an excellent format. 10k starting chips and 25/50 blinds and eventually antes get added into the structure where they actually count unlike PS where they're insignficant. The structure is very close to that of the WSOP main event which allows for some practice in the structure and allows for plently of play and a sizable edge for the good player. First place pays 3k though I got 5th for a paltry $600. It's true only one person walks away happy from a tournament. It's a smaller site that's been around for a few years but traffic is on the low side and the buttons on backwards (raise is on the left side and fold is on the right) which caused me to misclick my tourney away the first two times I played but not a bad site.

I finished off the day playing the HORSE tournies on PS and FTP and I played pretty inspired. Made a lot of good reads and some real thin value bets especially in while playing Razz which is a game I've never been able to do so in. I always played very straight forward in it and gave people a lot of credit for having a big hand. Only play I really didn't care for is getting in with split Jacks against what was obviously split Kings to go out 22nd in the Stars. I also missed a bet the hand before against the same person but these things happen. I clenched the W on FullTilt though and pocketed 6660. Nothing exciting really happened that I can recall regarding play but 3 handed the person in 2nd had nearly equal chips to me as with 3rd place seriously short stacked and asked about chopping. I don't chop so I said yes if he wanted to give me 5750 which was +EV for me from an ICM standpoint and he refused. We went back and forth once or twice each having a 5:1 chiplead over the other at some point and I pulled out the win. That puts me almost even on the month =] With rakeback I might even be up. Rakeback pro FTW!

On a couple final random notes: ePassporte still hasn't deposited into my account so I can't verify it and move cash around from site to site without assistance (trading) and I'm not sure how to cashout without it either which is an issue. Also, I haven't been playing a whole lot since my monitor died since it just really killed my motivation though hopefully I'll start-up again soon or at least do something productive with my life....nah.

I hate myself. And I hate ThreeUp.

So much for winning a WPT seat.

It's 9pm and I just got home. I haven't been home for 24hours. Of course that means I missed every Sunday tournament imaginable - all the big guarantees, the big overlays, the 50k freeroll and of course the only tournament I cared about - Winter Championship main event.

Last night was the birthday of one of my best friends and per our usual norm that means a lot of drinking, partying and debauchary. Yesterday I left the house nearly immediately after I had finished typing up the previous blog post. I woke up at 2:43pm on my friends couch, half nude, with a strange but cute and fully nude girl next to me.

Let me rephrase that, I was woken up at 2:43pm by the smooth melody of the Sopranos theme song - it's what I use for a ringtone on my NEXTEL. Barely understanding where I was or what I was doing there, I flipped open the phone and heard the following:

"Jay, you have 17 minutes to register for the winter championship tournament."
"What? Who is this?"
"It's wong. Register for the tournament."

Suddenly, I understood where I was. Quickly realizing I was about to throw away a WPT seat, BELIEVE THAT CAUSE I WAS WINNING THIS THING, I stumbled around the mess of passed out bodies to look for some sort of a computer while simultaneously calling ThreeUp in hope of him registering me.

"You've reached Mr.Diamond, stripper extraordinaire. Please leave a message after the tone."
Redial.
"You've reached Mr.Diamond, retard extraordinaire. Please leave a message after the tone."
Redial.
"You've reached Mr.Diamond.." Click.

Wouldn't you know it, not only did the jerk not answer his phone but he didn't register himself either. Awesome.

In a scurry to download the software, run the update and register for the tournament...I almost made it. And by almost, I mean I didn't make it at all and nearly threw someone elses laptop through a window.

Why the hell are there no late registrations possible? Better yet, why the hell does the tournament start at 3pm?! Why not the usual 6? Unbelievable. On Saturday they started at 3. Fine. I can understand...but on Sunday? Who's the fool who came up with that start time? Does he or she not realize that people go out on saturday night more than on any other night and usually get home either at the crack of dawn or later? Then there are some of us who pass out at other peoples apartments and need some time to sleep off the alcohol intake? I seriously thought it started at 6 and had my phone set for alarm for 4:45pm - ample time to get home, take a cold shower and win a WPT seat.

After failing to register, I wished wong goodluck and went to finish whatever liqour was left over from last night.

It's a funny thing - I got into poker as a way to escape some of my wilder drinking and partying and it worked out for a bit...but now, poker is getting in the way of my drinking and partying. Ironic, isn't it?

I really didn't mean to get that deep into my personal life because, while it would probably be a better read than whining about sucking in tournaments or how much of a jerk ThreeUp is, it's a tad over the top and would probably offend and shock 95% of readers. And besides, I'm saving it for a book.


- A very irritated Jay

Team FCUK doesn't own very much.

In fact, we suck. Or at least I do.

I'm sitting here disappointed in the way I played today. I misplayed 3 hands badly and they cost me the tournament. I think it was something mental...I was playing for points and not for the win which is totally contradictory to how I usually play. In fact, I think the overly conservative, point hungry style, is what caused me to go out before I should have. Let me explain:

Early in the tournament with blinds at 50/100 a very bad player limps UTG or UTG1. I make it 500 to go on the button with AQc. He calls. The flop is AA9 with two diamonds. He checks, I bet, and he instantly moves in on me. Okay, I think that I am way ahead. I really did. I thought he could make that play with a worse ace but also with 99, A9, but unlikely the flush draw. So it's another 9k to me for my tournament life...normally, when I have a read I go with it and I really wanted to call here but ended up folding because A) I wanted points and it was very early to risk my stack & B) I think I can outplay him later. He showed something like A6 and raked the pot. Poof. Golden opportunity squandered. With a 20k stack, I am far more dangerous at a donkinfested table than I am with a 10k stack.

Hand2: I flopped a open ender and should have check raised all in on some limp donk but again decided to pick a better spot because I thought he couldn't fold anything to save his life.

Hand 3: With 20k and 1k/2k blinds I pickup AQo in the BB. A donk open limps for MP, I immediately know he's weak. A retard completes from the SB. Now before I go any further, I played a pot with the aforementioned retard last orbit where it was folded around to her in the small blind, she completed to see a cheap flop and I of course reraised all in from the BB - standard anti donk strategy. She bitched and moaned and told me how I was predictable and how she knew how to beat me and just told everyone; then mucked. Okay, fantastic (more on this later). Back to the hand - I make it 7k more to go, I really should have just reraised all in and picked up the pot right there but again points got in my head. I wasn't sure that donk #1 wouldn't limp then call all in with 66 or something like that. I didn't want to flip. I'm an idiot. That was a huge mistake and one I shouldn't be making. Anyway, donk folds and retard calls. We see a flop of JTT. She checks. Now I think she checks any hand to me including the T the J, an underpair and anything else because she thinks I'm an aggressive maniac and wants to check raise me. What could she have limp called with? I have 40% of my stack in there. To be honest, I didn't rule out her having something idiotic like QJ, KJ, KT, QT, a small-mid pair, or a suited ace. I should probably have moved all in on the flop but I checked behind because I am an idiot.

I don't remember what the turn card was but it was something irrelevant to the board. She then sets me in for 14k more. Immediately I think call and here's why: I know she's really dying to check raise me or to get me to bluff at her but putting me all in won't accomplish either of that. If she led small, it would be a tougher decision. So I really think she has air here or a hand I have crushed like a A8. If she had the T, I see her checking on the turn as well. If she has the J, I see her leading the turn small because only the T calls. Clearly this is a call. Instead, I muck. She shows Q2 and I pat myself on the back for a stand up job of not being able to pull the trigger when I have drooljobs pegged as weak.

I went out A8 vs A5.

Threeup busted a massive stack when he get coolered with A4 vs A7 on a x47A board.

Vox didn't play.

Only way any of us are going to be seeing a WPT seat is if we win tomorrows event - a very unlikely thing. And with all the soft playing and collusion that I see or hear about in these tournaments, winning anything is that much more of a long shot.

But enough about how bad I am at poker, let's instead focus on how incredibly stupid and annoying the majority of the people playing in these things are. Take for example the retard from hand #3. I get moved to her table and immediately she starts talking shit to me because she's a retard who limps from sb when it's my bb and gets pushed on. I don't even know this person - I've seen her maybe three times in my entire life but apparently she has notes on me doing this to her in 4 other tournaments. Okay, fantastic. So if I do that, wait for aces of kings or whatever and call me. Yet she goes on and on about how predictable I am and how she's telling everyone how to beat me. Mind you this is coming from someone in a $25 tournament. Then another clown, who first felt it necessary to alert the table that had just busted from some freeroll, chimes in with something similar. Great, my play is being questioned by two morons who don't understand gap, m, or hand range concepts and play $25 tournaments.

I don't know what's more pathetic, that they're telling me I suck or that I'm talking about it on a blog. But the truth is, it gets irritating (and there are a lot of irritating people out there) when you're semi known on a small site and people go out of their way to say something stupid to you. If at least it was funny but they're just stupid. Flat out, down right stupid in the most direct way possible. I don't mind friendly trash talk, or funny trash talk, or even when someone who knows me tries to rile me up (fat chance cadderly, I'll just blog about how fat you are) but when people you don't know come and start asking you how much your bankroll is or how much you've won or lost today or asking if you're broke because you decided to play a $2 sit n go for giggles, it just gets to the point where you need to wish anal cancer on them and their children.

Of course then I'm the mean asshole. Well so be it. I don't claim to be a nice guy or even good at poker, but I refuse to take any lip from anyone who won't sit in a game with me. The next time you see me and I don't know you - keep your mouth shut, you incompetent retards.

Omahaha

Quick update:

Omaha sucks. None of us did well.

It's tough to navigate through a field of limpdonks in a tournament with a bad structure in Omaha. No hand is a big dog to any other hand preflop and with enormous blinds, there's really no edge. Also, I think I may have taken the wrong approach, I might have played too tight but I did stick it in against a hand that ties me 50% of the time and loses 30% or somewhere thereabouts. Obviously, I came up on the short end.

Not sure how the others went out.

Frankly, I don't even know why they included an Omaha tourny.

Worst Poker Player Alive takes 3rd in opening event

I was supposed to blog about this awhile ago, but the only thing worse than my poker playing is my motivation to do anything in a prompt and timely fashion. Quite a few years ago i had the idea for an internet jukebox but of course i delayed on patenting the idea, perhaps i too hate money, recently i witnessed a man stuffing ungoddly amounts of cash into bags that he had emptied from one of these now popular machines - Thats Great Vox, keep grinding the microstakes while some ex-drywaller makes a killing off of an idea you had long before ipods.

I'm boring myself, so i'll address the title of this blog.

The First event of the Winter Championship was a Limit Hold'em event. I was quite exited by this because the buy-in was small which would mean lots of terrible play. I've been crushing small stakes limit hold'em games for quite some time, in fact its usually how i build a bankroll worthy of losing in an NL game. From the get go of this tournament I was top ten in chips and stayed that way for until my departure in 3rd place. I was however dissapointed in the structure, as I was 5th in chips with 200 people left and only had approx 10x the BB.

a key hand for this tournament occurent when we were down to two tables. I was being pounded on by my immediate right. Everytime i had the BB or the SB, and to make matters worse my cards had ran cold and i was getting nothing to fight back with. Finally I had to do something, I pick up a J2s in the BB, he is in the SB, he raises I'm down to about 5bbs I decide this is going to have to do... I called- flop comes all bricks, he bets, I called, Turn Brick he bets.... I raise - he folds, i repeated this process every time he attempted to raise my blinds until finally he stopped and actually began folding his sb to me...


My hopes and dreams for the WPT were destroyed two tournaments later when i was cold decked... won 2 hands in over 50.. once i stole, the other time i had AA on the button and it folded around... later with an m of 3 i pick up KK only to be taking out by AT all in... So without a miracle occuring in Omaha... i may cut my season short

Team FCUK owns and then some.

To elaborate on what Mr. Diamonds said in the post below we've got 3 out of 4 playing members in the top 15 (I think Cadderly has given up) and Team FCUK associate, Harry Wong (I kid you not), in the top 10.

Threeup and myself both final tabled last night. He came in the massive chipleader and I came in 3rd or 4th. Of course he picked on my blind every chance he could (jerk). I was down right forced to use level 5, a level that only comes out when playing someone who is actually good, to maintain some sort of defense. And as pathetic as that sounds, it was only defense I could muster. Kids, please don't try level 5 at home. Adults, use at your own discretion.

Also massive props to Mr. VoxGibson who was holding it down for Team Fcuk during the first two events.

But enough about that, let's get to the bad beats and complaining. After all, that's what you guys are here to read, right? Thought so.

First and foremost, Threeup up got flat out robbed last night. After dominating, and I do mean dominating, last nights tournament he gets it in vs some donk (2nd in chips) who, without using so many words, said "here threeup, take all my chips, please.". Then proceeds to hit runner runner while drawing to 2 outs to double up. Nice way to start a final table. Doom was inevitable.

I, of course, as usual managed to find a way to get it in from the button when the blinds have monsters. What else is new? I mean, do they ever not have aces? God forbid I get called by something I have beat when everyones M is like 4. Sigh.

Though, I should have expected it - everyone was so tight it was scary. Dude sits back and blinds away to 1BB, proceeds to get it in a million times to stay alive, then goes on a massive card rush to win the tournament. Is this the way? Should I ignore all logical tournament strategy? Should I just sit back, wait for aces, hope they don't get cracked and then give up 4 levels of blinds and antes to do it all over again? I don't know how people fold when totally committed with any 2 and then find a top tier the very next hand. I guess I'm not that luc.. I mean good.

If I sound bitter and disappointed, I am. I'm always irritated when I final table and don't win but I'm particularly annoyed that I couldn't squeeze at least a 3rd out of last nights donkfest.

The players were for the most part down right awful. I think the only thing that can surpass the inability of 90% of the field in terms of awfulness is the tournament structure. Unless you gain a massive chiplead, there's only play during the first third. From then on it's a lot of push/fold followed by some more of push/fold, with a middle round of guess what sort of donk he is before choosing to push or fold. All of that is topped off by, you guessed it, no, not push fold...all in or muck. Preflop.

Frankly, if the field wasn't so tight/bad, the tournament would finish an hour sooner. It might finish two hours sooner if it wasn't for all the pathetic stalling taking place. I can see how stalling is so beneficial because maybe just maybe the next hand will be aces and you'll quadruple up because we're all idiots and are going to call you. No, wait, the stalling is beneficial because you'll get an extra 50 points instead of trying to win an extra 300? No, that's not it. How about the stalling is beneficial because you can run the clock and the blinds will increase in fewer hands thus effectively killing the already small edge of a thinking player? That's the one.

Maybe that's the reason Gus Hansen has 4 WPT titles and I have none. Maybe he stalls.

Poker.com Winter Champions Part 2

Halfway point and Jay is in 3rd on the leaderboard while Vox is in 6th and I'm in 15th. Only 3 tournaments to go though they're worth more points then the previous three due to how the scoring system is set up. Hopefully one of us can come through and put up the W.

My Girlfriend is not very smart

I know what you are (or at least ThreeUp is) thinking: she's your girlfriend, of course she's not very smart! Well, touche. You may have a point but until recently I didn't know exactly how not very smart she was.

Recent events have shown me the light.

Sometime ago my mother put a house plant in my kitchen. According to her it is supposed to freshen the air or provide some positive aura or do something or other to my benefit. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention but I did allow the plant to stick around. Now this was a peculiar plant, I never watered it, never looked after it, I didn't even remember its existence. In fact, in all honesty, I think some of my friends may have even used it for a urinal during our famous "Get drunk and shoot anything that moves with paintballs off Jay's balcony" nights. Still, somehow it lived and was of no bother to me.

Fast forward to last week and all of a sudden my house had become infested with dozens of tiny little flies. Now these flies were so bad and so annoying, I was beginning to lose my mind. I would be sitting trying to grind out nudie bar money for the week and these flies would literally be attacking me. They bite, fly in front of my computer screen, try to crawl up my nose and pretty much anything you can think of. I think they cost me several thousands of dollars in tilt and misclicks. It was unbearable. I got so mad that I went on massive fly tilt also known as running around the house with clenched fists, killing anything that moved. Death totals reached the mid 20's or 30's. I don't know, I lost count. I thought I had gotten rid of them - how wrong I was.

The next morning I woke up to even more flies. I called for immediate assistance - an unscheduled maid. She showed up and I scolded her for the piss poor clean up job she had been doing and further threatened to have her deported if this fly situation wasn't remedied immediately. She gave me one of those evil eyes I'm so accustomed to seeing and threw out every single piece of fruit and anything else she could find that could have been a potentially spawned the little critters.

To no avail. In fact, if you can believe it, I think they started to get stronger and faster. I, in all honesty, considered just picking up and moving. Somewhere far far away where there were no flies or insects or any living creature within a sixty mile radius. Unfortunately my love for New York is too strong so I called the exterminator instead. Dude shows up the next day looking like death reincarnated, walks around a little bit and stops in the kitchen. He bends over next to the forgotten plant and says: "what'd you pour in here?"

"Pour?" "In there?" "I didn't even know that thing was still around."

He gives me a slight grin and then motions me over. Upon further inspection, I see a swamp, a swamp full of awfulness. You see apparently my GF, in all her genius, decided to empty the remaining contents of some green tea into the plants soil, thus creating the perfect breeding environment for these little bastards.

He explains that I have two options:

1. Take a vacation and let him spray some vile toxins around the house.
OR
2. Throw the plant out and wait out until all the insurgents die.

What I'd really like to do is throw my GF and this plant off my balcony, but sadly she isn't around so I opt for option two.

I can't even begin to describe the hell I went through and am still going through with these vicious bloodsuckers. I would like nothing more than to torch this place in its entirety with every little fly in it. Too bad my neighbors might not like that idea. So I'll have to take my anger out on the person responsible for all this...no, not me! (Yes, ThreeUp, I know I shouldn't have let her inside the house. Yes I probably should have known that she is retarded. Yes, you are right. No, it's her fault and I refuse to hear otherwise!). HER! It's her fault. I'm not really sure what I should do to her. ThreeUp suggested murder but death would be getting off light. I was thinking more in terms of a severe beating using some sort of heavy handed weapon or scattering her nude photos all over the internet? Maybe both?

I'm not sure what I'll do to her yet. Feel free to leave suggestions via the comments.

No, Threeup. I will not crush her cranium with a small hammer. I heard you get the death penalty for that sort of behavior.

Bluff Magazine owner cannot spell. Coincidence?

I think not.

So at least 5 people have sent me his little rant and it's quite clear the guy has no understanding of politics and is instead just mad at everything and everybody. This isn't 1773 and you're not going to throw a bunch of British Tea into the Boston harbor. Sure maybe a little name calling will help you feel better, relieved, whatever it is - but certainly won't help the situation. Settle down, Eric. Instead of posting half common sense, half inanity on your MySpace page, perhaps you might be better off enrolling in grammar school and reading up on political information and agenda.

What, to me, is sadder than Eric's little rant is how quickly I see people agree with him or take his word for gospel. Believe me, I want the ability to freely play online poker as badly as anyone, but it won't be won through torching Washington or whatever this guy proposes.

One of the keys to poker is being able to adapt to any situation and being able to first place yourself in your opponents position and then use that information to think one step ahead. This applies to life ten fold. Instead of blatantly ranting on about the injustices that you may think are being done, ask yourself why they are being done and then use that information to your benefit.

Understand your opponent.

Poker.com Winter Championships

All 7 championship events will award points that count towards the Poker.com Winter Championship Leaderboard. At the conclusion of the events, an overall champion will be crowned and receive a $12,500 package to represent Poker.com at one of these events: WPT WSOP Aussie Millions or EPT

I think we're all playing it - possibly with the exception of phreezenet our newest contributer. I'd introduce him, but he's so boring I'll let him introduce himself.

Team FCUKMONEY FTW!

Check back regularly for updates on how badly we're playing, bad beat stories, and of course negative variance.

If you don't have a poker.com account, grab one using the link below. Good luck getting money on there, though. Unless I know you, then hit me up on AIM and I'll trade you for Stars.

I Shop At K-Mart

Online poker looks like it's hitting a real rough patch for a while. Mansion Poker said goodbye to the U.S. Market though if you have money on there already they still allow you to play. Click2Pay, one of the few processors left after Neteller founders got arrested and charged with money laundering under RICO, has also withdrawed. The upside is a lot of sites including some majors don't look to be going anywhere so as long as there is a place to play even donks will find a way to get money on. ePassporte is really the only choice at the moment leaving some sites such as Poker.com unintentionally leaving out the U.S. market by not accepting it. The law was proposed and I wasn't too worried until it passed the house, it got signed into law and I still wasn't too worried, PartyPoker left & it was no sweat but once enforcement started coming down on bullshit charges I began to fret and now it's clear why. This law was never meant to be enforced it was suppossed to be a political ploy. We're definetly heading into a dark period for online poker and everything involving it is going to become more difficult but at least we'll always have action. One can only hope this is orchestrated by gaming companies in the U.S. looking to buy the market cheap and then get the law repealed.

In other news my monitor died and my other monitor decided to start showing the same sign as the dead one did several months ago in a small yellow mark showing up in the upper left hand corner. I have the 3-yr warranty on them but now it will still take time and a few bucks to get them fixed and that's even if I don't get shit from Dell which I suspect I might. I have pressure marks on the dead one which doesn't bode well from me which is unfortunate, since I put them on there almost 10 months ago right after I got them because I'm a jackass. Everyone had always suggested the 2001FP from Dell for poker so now we'll find out how well there customer service and warranty really are. If it's good I'll upgrade to a 3007WFP soon.

I also had poker night at my house again last night which netted me a massive $10 in profits after rolling some prop bets and losing it on sports betting & getting the carpet cleaned. Betting drunken assholes they can't drink 3 bottles of beer out of the bottle in 30 seconds is +EV. Also, people can't not eat a teaspoon full of cinnamon so have fun making some money with that It's funny how a lot of the sober people get freaked out about the drunk people getting out of control when they weren't even close to me having to worry about them. Was there 16 year old girls present with an empty bottle of Jagermeister? Yup.

Going to the Borgata tomorrow!

Look out WPT.

Wish me luck, trip report when I get back.

Poker Players Alliance

Many of us are familiar with the PPA (www.pokerplayersalliance.com) their motto being "fighting for the rights of poker players" - I am getting the image this foundation was started by a group of kids who had trouble getting the square peg through the round hole. (it will work but requires alot of extra force). At one point i nearly donated my $25.00 to show support, now i am positive that money would have ended up in the G-string of some Topless performer named "candy" who is only doing whatever she can to pay for her PHD in child psychology.

Today is the first day i have visited their website in months, perhaps hoping for further information regarding the whole neteller hooplah, maybe a glimmer of hope; only to find the same information that has been there since the beginning, their news consists mostly of what pros they have joining this violent battle, and their assurance of "staying the course." I want Howard Lederer to convince me i should drink Canadian Club, I don't want him standing outside the white house for a few hours protesting and concluding "well at least we tried"

I want Wild Bill Hickock with each hand on the butt of his revolvers -
"do you really wanna do this? It doesnt have to be this way"

The first sign should have been when they started with "We want to tax and regulate the online poker industry" that shows weakness. I would have come out screaming, we're not going to stop, so if you want us to kick you a couple bucks here and there, make this as easy as possible on us, or blood will be shed!

Well enough of that for now, Lets get down to what you're all here to read (other than name calling and slander between Jay and his co-conspirators)

Something occurred to me this morning when i attempted to pour my coffee from the carafe into my coffee cup. Some of the coffee ended up in my cup, some on my shoe, and the rest (defying the laws of gravity) up my sleeve... This is not an unusual occurrence, but it did inspire my latest poker related theory... Perhaps variance, EV and all other poker related theory and math is just a way for us truly unlucky people to justify continuing to play poker... All this time thinking that "poker is a lifelong game" and some day the money will correlate with the odds, was a false and ignorant statement... Perhaps luck truly exists and we just refuse to latch on to the belief because we know how unlucky we are and to give in to the "actual" truth, we'd have to come to terms with the fact that people of our disposition should never touch cards, chips or anything of value...

Vox

FAQ me? FAQ You!

Some people have sent me questions like are you really this crazy? Do you realize you suck at poker? What do you look for in a woman? and What's the deal with your blog title and URL? So here some answers:

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Obedience and top notch culinary skills

4. Well, the title is pretty much self explanatory if you've either A) paid attention to this blog or B) have ever watched me or any of the contributing writers player poker. There is no doubt that the way we play, each and every one of us hates our money with a passion.
The blog URL is a play on one of my T-Shirts that happened to be sitting next to me while I was registering for blogger.


I'd just tried about half a dozen different URL's and they were all taken. Simultaneously, I was multi tabling some 600NL and made some incredibly boneheaded play, like check raising a calling station all in on the turn with air for instance, and then something just clicked...

FCUKMONEY

Hey, at least I'm a snappy dresser! ThreeUp buys all his clothes from Walmart!

No one runs worse than me!

Well, maybe except ThreeUp.

I can't tell you how many times in the last 2 weeks he's spammed my AIM box with the oh so familiar phrase of "Sigh....set into set again". You'd think for someone who gets it in so often in set over set situations, he'd at least come out with the bigger set some of the time, right? Well, he's running incredibly bad now - I mean just ask him!

But kidding aside, the truth is, poker players, myself included, love to whine moan and complain when things don't go our way. Granted, some more than others but I've never met a single poker player who didn't claim to be the unluckiest person alive. Never mind the fact that those of us who log long, tedious days of grinding that $300 an hour don't notice that our play isn't up to par that day or perhaps has deteriorated over the course of several negative variance filled hours? Nah! W're just friggin unlucky! Right? Or maybe we're just incompetent and should hang up the mice, put away the ipods and immediately enroll in dealer school?

Do you know why Phil Ivey is (arguably) the best player in the world? It's not because he never plays badly or never has a losing day or has x-ray vision that allows him to see his opponents cards (not sure about this last one) - it's because the man can play his A game for more consecutive hours than I can count.

Which leads me into the whole reason I decided to write this post...

Gawwdddddddddd, I'm running bad right now!


Oh, and before you go, make sure to head over to The Poker Pub and show my boy Mike some love. He's down under bringing you all the sick beats from the Aussie Millions.

10 buy-ins in a day is standard when you suck

So if you graphed my earning on the year it would look a lot like Black Tuesday if Black Tuesday sent the stock market to the point where shareholders actually owed the companies money. Halfway through the month and I'm hoping to play like a mademan and get even for the month so I can start fresh in February. I may infact be the worst player to ever try to go pro and have managed to be a loser @ stakes ranging from 3/6NL-10/20NL. On the brightside if I break even my rakeback should be enough to give me the rest of the money I need to pay my taxes on winnings in `06 so then I could have played all month to have nothing to show for it =]

Poker isn't nearly as fun when you have to log hours. If you want to do this as a primary source of income be ridiculously overrolled and have living expenses set aside and keep good records. That or just be good at poker. One of the two. I'm not quitting my job just yet but if I bust my roll I guess I can blog all about the exciting adventures as a Duece Bigalow wish-I-was.

2007 is over!

Well not officially, but the seahawks loss feels like the final nail in the coffin... I blame myself, had i not lost coach holgrem's cell number on a Friday night drunken stooper at the bar up the road. I may have lost it when i got distracted asking these twins if they could tell each other apart. Anyway, had I the number I would have called him to sort out the details of an excellent strategy that would have given them the "w" and like usual he'd put me on the speaker phone during half time to give the team a pep talk... Knowing he needed me, and not having the number i resorted to shouting at the television, and using my psychic powers (that only appear during football games)... but to no avail my voice could not be heard. Congratulations Chicago, I take back every compliment i ever gave Ditka, Payton, or The Fridge.

Poker has been equally detrimental to my Psyche. I've decided that there are two kinds of players, ones who take bad beats and ones who give bad beats. Hence I've decided that from now on if all my money's going into the pot, I want to be behind in the hand, that way, when i lose, its my own damn fault. A buddy of mine once said something brilliant that summed up poker in all its majestic glory... I really wish i remember what he had said


Vox

The Contributors and what can be expected

Before I forget, let me introduce the other clearly mentally disturbed people that will be part of this blog:

VoxGibson - Or as he's known around most poker sites, "The worst player in the world". Vox owns a bar and a transmission/transvestite shop or something...the truth is no one really knows what he owns. Vox resides in Alaska and when sober can be found grinding microstakes online. When not so sober, he's usually found half passed out with a mountain of chips at midstake live games. Either way, he sucks.

Threeupthreedown - or as he's known by his stripper name "Diamond". When not selling his body to middle aged women in Michigan, Mr.Diamond can be found playing mid stakes NoLimit Hold'em games and horse tournaments across various online sites. In fact, he's so good that he's been considering turning in the baby oil for a third monitor and going e-pro. Clearly, he's not sane.

Cadderly - The fat Danish. What else can be said? He's fat and he's from Denmark - I think it's rather self explanatory. I think he plays some ancient form of poker...Limit Hold'em or some such none sense.

---

What you can expect from this blog:

Most of us use poker for either primary or supplementary income (except Vox, he just buys video games) so the majority of this blog will be about Poker pitfalls and how not to get sucked into the life of professional gambling...so everything poker and gambling related plus some occasionally movie and product reviews.

Maybe we can also get ThreeUp to talk about his life as a woman's wet dream and how he gets home covered with lipstick and bruises.

One can only hope.

It is undeniable - I really do hate money.

I'm not joking.

After suffering my first losing session, I decided to only book winners - and I did, until today that is. After what seemed like an eternity of running bad and playing worse, I decided that I was going to win money anyway. Somehow, against the laws of nature, my plan succeeded. I was winning.

But you see, winning doesn't do it for me. There is no high from winning, after all, a person of such high intelligence, charisma and blatant sex appeal (I'm talking about me here) should do nothing but win, and so I must find alternative methods to amuse myself. I know! I'll lose - that should be fun!

Fast forward execution of the aforementioned and I'm playing 5-10 PL Badugi - a game I have never played...seriously. I have no idea what I'm doing.

End result: -2k

I couldn't be happier.

1st loser of 07.

Great. It's like it was meant to be. I make a post about how badly I tilt and what do you know? I end up tilting the night away.

I'm sitting here sleepy and confused, wondering how in the world I turned a session that was a 3k winner into a loser. Oh, I know how - I'm a jerk with profit margine fantasies. There's nothing more I hate than not meeting my daily money qouta...well except maybe tilting off thousands of dollars, trying to run over people who couldn't fold KJo OOP to save their lives, in hopes of squeezing out an extra 5 bills.

Now if you thought that was stupid, then you'll love this: Why do I decide to stick in 3 buyins preflop on a coin flip when the guy I'm playing is absolutely horrific?

Because I'm sick thats why!

I tilted bad. I ran worse. I booked a losing session.

Welcome to my world. It's not pretty.

Summarizing my poker life

So I'm talking to a friend of mine on MSN today just as he's about to sign off, he comes out with this gem:

FAT DANISH says:
gl on all the tables
FAT DANISH says:
and dont tilt
FAT DANISH:
even though i know its like talking to a brick wall


...the sad part is that he's right.

Can't stop the Jay Tilt Train.

I am going to turn this into an awesome new blog!

With contributers and other superb things!

You just wait and see! Really!

How am I this awful?

Only a -10k swing online. I am so good at poker, I should do this for a living and see how quickly I end up homeless.


In other news, I found a really soft live game through my cousin - apparently his dad started playing two years ago. Think 50-60 year old's who play recreationally and don't have much experience. 2-5/5-10NL deepstacked.

Yes my mouth was watering.

They didn't want me playing right away but eventually gave in when I persuaded uncle to vouch. The game was so good it was almost criminal. I unintentionally pulled a Mike Caro and immediately lost 2k. They invited me back anytime.

<3 Variance

Oh you have a flush draw? Don't worry it's good.

Coupled together with my standard bad play, suckouts this month have been tough. Last month was good, don't know if I can even salvage this one. And people wonder why I tilt off 5k in the 100/200 game.

Donks will remain unnamed, beats untold...who am I kidding? Hey bullitpete, thanks for calling off with a Khigh flush draw vs an overpair and a dead flush card for 4 raises on the flop. "Well played"

:(

I hate Bill Frist.

And I'm a republican! You should hate Bill Frist too. And, as always, down with the democrats!

BPT2@Pcom

If I have time.

<3 Donkament freerolls. +EV as always.

Eh. Why not?

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7261116

How it all started and the current state of affairs

Well, now you know what I'm all about (Killing 3-6 for a week and then jumping into 25/50 with <50 buyins)...